Picking up the pieces ...

My very best friend wrote me an email yesterday when I addressed something with her. I haven't been myself lately. She wrote something that has stuck with me since. When you are pregnant everything is about you, "how are you feeling", "are you ok", "do you need anything". You get used to this. Then one day you have this beautiful, vibrant, adorable little baby, and it stops. It isn't about you anymore. It's all about that little one. Which is ok. You are their life force. The only thing they live and breath for, but you as the mom are left picking up the pieces. You have to pick up immediatly and be the best mom in the entire world. Your whole life is shifted in one second. That very second they place that beautiful soul in your arms, but honestly how can you not lose yourself?? Society has it engrained in us to be "superwoman". It's not possible. What you should be is the very best YOU.

I am hormonal and I chalk all my feelings up to that, but honestly being a mom is hard. I have been a mom for just over two months now and it doesn't get any easier. You learn to survive on less than four hours of sleep a night and you learn to not complain about it. You have to just pick up the pieces and truck on.

I felt as if I was alone in all of this. I felt like an awful wife when I expressed to Chris that I couldn't do it all. I can't be the superwoman I expected myself to be. I felt like an awful mom when I cried at night because all I wanted Christian to do was sleep. I felt like an awful doggy mom when I'd yell at the dogs for following me around the house, only because they needed some attention. I felt like an awful mom when I was praying for 7p.m. to roll around so I could lay Christian down for bed. WHY? Why as moms do we put ourselves through this? It's awful. I hate this feeling. I feel as if I am only giving my family 50% of myself when I should be giving 100%.

I am a very happy person. I look at the good in everyone first. I look at the beauty in everything. The other day I was driving home from work and there was a double rainbow. I was ANGRY at people stopping to take pictures of this awesome thing. Not once did it occur to me to stop and do the same thing. To stop and look at the beauty of a double rainbow. I then realized. Oh damn, something is wrong with me. I sped home ran into the house with Christian in my arms and just lost it. I cried and cried to Chris about feeling overwhelmed with life. Feeling tired. Feeling miserable for myself. Feeling sorry for him and Christian for having to be around my miserable self. Isn't that disgusting?? That isn't me. 

So I am writing this because I know I am not alone. I want to change and am going to change. I am going to be the best mom, wife, co-worker, sister, aunt, everything I can be and no more. I am going to stop trying to be superwoman, and there it is ... Bricks are being lifted of my shoulder. Ahh ...