My heart ...

Please excuse this post. This is more of a journal entry ...

This is perfect for how I am feeling lately. I struggle with having too big of a heart. It's a good thing when it comes to my love of my family, my love of my friends and my love of many things, but not so good when it comes to other things ...

I do struggle with the way people perceive me. Either as a woman, co-worker, mother, wife, daughter, aunt ... etc. It isn't a good thing. Chris always tells me to stop caring what other people think of me and I honestly do try, but it's a lot harder than it looks.

I read the book The Four Agreements, great book. You all should read it. It basically says what the quote above says. It's a brilliant book actually. I should read it again.

1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don’t take anything personally.
3. Don’t make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

I live by 1 and 4. 2 and 3 I need to work on. It's just sometimes it feels like no matter how hard I try, it's never going to be good enough. Or if someone is upset, it has to be something I did right?? NO. I am not the only person in their universe. I am not their spouse or mom. I am not the most "important" person in their life. So why do I think it's me? Now this doesn't pertain to my personal life by any means. I have a GREAT support system of a family. It's mainly my friends that I have this issue with. Not close friends, but more like my acquaintances. I just googled the definition and it explains it perfectly ... "a person one knows slightly, but who is not a close friend". See, why should these people matter in my mind, but they do. Weird. I am going to make an early resolution. And that is to not care anymore and to say "No". I have tried enough. I have been a good friend, kept secrets and stood up for them and it's time to stop. Time to not care anymore. Time to give 100% to the people that matter most. It's time to remove myself emotionally and physically. They can start pushing away other people now. It's not going to be me anymore, I am already gone ...